Calypso by David Sedaris

 "As a business traveler, you'll likely be met at your destination by someone who asks, 'How was your flight?' This, as if there are interesting variations and you might answer, 'The live orchestra was a nice touch,' or 'The first half was great, but then they let a baby take over the controls and it got all bumpy.' In fact, there are only two kinds of flights: ones in which you die and ones in which you do not."